Jade's Trick

Reviews, Spotlights, and Randomosity of all things under the sun.

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Location: Hartford, Connecticut, United States

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Monday, May 16, 2005

"Gurgle." -- Water (yes, *water.* Do shut up).

Laugh, darn you!

Water. It's everywhere. It's in the air, the plumbing, and even in you. It's the most overrated substance of all time, and it's time to take it down a notch or seventy.

The plot is pretty simple: two happy-go-lucky hydrogen atoms are walking along when BAM! They're knocked on the head by a very depressed oxygen atom which promptly duct-tapes itself to our captured heroes. Then, this water molecule goes around and does weird, pointless things that don't make any sense in context; for example, there's this one scene in which it moves around a computer and cools it, but in the very next scene it's frozen (so it's even colder now) and surrounding a person with a bunch of its buddies and the person is heated up. The continuity editor clearly didn't do his job well at all, as this isn't even the only plot hole (it gets smaller when it goes from gas to liquid but gets larger when it goes from liquid to gas).

The CG for water is terrible. Stick a pencil in it and you know what happens? THE PENCIL BREAKS!!!! But of course when you take it out, it's just like nothing ever happened again. What the fuzzy? And what the heck is up with the sound? It's either "gurgle," "shhhhhhh," or "glorp." Why can't we have just a little variation from time to time? Just once I'd like to hear a water fountain bust out with some Led Zepplin or a little Mozart.

Don't even get my started about water as a beverage. It's the only drink I know of that actually tastes better when you put ground-up rocks (taken right off the ground, no less) into it. What's worse, you have to actually pay people to throw those rocks into your water for you! Water is two things: Oxygen and hydrogen, but since water's so sneaky it doesn't want you to know that. Instead, it tries to con you out of your hard-earned cabbage leafs with claims such as "2% dirt" and "24% quartz shavings." Don't get sucked into the scam!

Water thinks its got such a great sense of humor, but it's really just a one trick pony that plays around with variations of "Get person X wet." When will Hollywood learn that getting people wet just isn't funny? It's clownish at best, but since clowns wouldn't know humor if it came up and offered them $1,293,513.57 to dance to the beat of A Different Drummer, it's best is pret-ty forlorn.

Bah! My blood is boiling just thinking about this stupid molecule, so I'm going to move on to the scoring.

Action: 3.5/5 spewing geysers (I have to admit that water does a pretty good job of causing mayhem when at high pressures. It's a real sight to see a pillar of water 45 feet high).
Acting: 0/5 reflective surfaces (It's just so cold, flat, and emotionless. It just sits there and does nothing! However, the Academy likes this sort of actor, so it'll probably win at least Best Supporting).
Story: 1/5 falling droplets (It's a dull tired story with no surprises: evaporation, condensation, precipitation. However, I've seen worse).
Sound: 1.5/5 icicles (Although there's a certain charm to the EXACT SAME NOTE FOR TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY, if you're into that sort of thing, most of the time it's just irritating. It bores into the back of your skull and sticks there, like a post-it with accidental superglue).
Visuals: 2/5 vapor bursts (Although it's a little cool that it can play the mirror, most of the time the water's just lazy, making errors like the pencil thing left and right).

Overall (not necessarily determined by the above categories): 1/5 invisible bacterium (There's no good reason to go see this, as it offers nothing new or interesting in the least. Really, it's one of the biggest flops to come out of the industry since sliced motherboards. I weep when I think of that amount of thought that must have gone into water to make it as low quality as it is).


Anonymous The Computer Mutt said...

Creative, original. Had me confused and first.

Good stuff.

10:40 PM  

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