"I'm not hungry yet." -- The Godfather

Finally, after many long weeks of dawdling, I bring to you a review that is technically negative. ;-)

The Godfather is an exercise in patience. Patience is required to get through it's ridiculously convoluted and long plot, patience to get through the screwy acting, and patience to get through the sheer longevity of the film (if it is fitting to even call this a film).

So, we start out hearing some guy whine about his daughter or something. I wasn't listening very hard. The room was so frickin' dark that it seemed almost as if it swallowed the sounds. Anyway, we find out that we're at the wedding of the Godfather's (reeeeaaal original name. They totally stole that from the title) daughter. The wedding itself is very trite, just like every other movie wedding EVER. We're "introduced" to about a hundred or so major characters. I say "introduced" because this movie's idea of introducing a character is to give us about five seconds with them. After the wedding, stuff happens, like the Godfather getting shot up a bunch of times (but *gasp* survives! How the hell did *that* happen?!?!), Michael showing no emotion, other people getting shot, Michael still mimicking an oak board, Michael doing bad things, and then finally, after much broo-ha-ha, just ending without any sort of denouement (I guess the ending could be considered a denouement, but no more so than most other points in the movie).

The acting. Oh, what can I say about the "acting"? Marlon Brando's Godfather performance was so screwy. He talks like he's not got a throat, can't move his facial muscles, and somehow survives everything but his grandson (and what the heck was up with that!?!?). Michael, as I already said, needs to take a class in acting or two before we see him in any other films, or many get an Emotion Implant from a Hollywood plastic surgeon. The women in the movie were typically either screaming or acting all pissy. Why, I don't know. The director's probably some kind of misogynist or something. The acting skillz (or lack thereof) of everyone else are irrelevant, since they all pretty much just die.

Special effects: these people's idea of fake blood is runny ketchup. There were a few lackluster explosions and a lot of obviously fake gunshots in there, but nothing really made up for the corny fake blood.

Cinematography: Mr. Coppola appears to think that if he makes all his shots really really dark, we won't notice the crappy acting, poor special effects, shoddy story, and interns accidentally falling into almost every scene. He sets up his camera angles such that the audience is denied key information, like the face of the waiter pouring wine just before Michael kills that other drug guy who dies, or like when we couldn't tell that the Baker was a Baker and not a hitman. This is vital information that we need to know!

Acting: 2/5 piles of crapola (The only redeeming feature was the believability of the various waiters. Man, THOSE guys knew how to wait!).
Sound: 1/5 fishes (Wow. Do we really have to hear that same little ditty over and over and over again?).
Visuals: 2/5 slot machines (Way too dark, and the camera angles sucked. The shots of Sicily were nice, though, or at least they would have been if Michael would get out of the shot).
Humor: 5/5 toll booths (But only if this was meant to parody bad films).
Story: 1/5 guns (I've seen better storytelling in MST3k episodes).

Overall (not necessarily determined by the above categories): 1/5 fluffy kitty cats (AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!).